When tensions rise ...

Perhaps the most common desired outcome I hear from coaching clients is to learn how to better navigate difficult conversations.

It is understandable. Conflict can feel incredibly uncomfortable, destabilizing, and even threatening. Our emotions get triggered, our words mangled, and our demeanor disheveled. We don’t feel in control in an atmosphere that is charged. That can lead to feeling exposed in a way that we feel a need to protect ourselves.

Self-protection shows up in a lot of ways. The most common armors we adorn are defensiveness and righteousness, which can lead to lashing out, avoidance and/or stubbornness. And while they may feel justified, they do little to advance the issues, solicit growth, or foster a healthy workplace culture.

When we feel tensions rise it is our emotional intelligence awakening the need to tend to issues that matter to us. The sooner we do so, the more likely we can successfully cut through the intensity and unpack what is really transpiring underneath. The longer we wait, the more likely those tensions are to simmer until they boil over into resentment, building our case against others, anchoring our assumptions as truth, and our hurt as proof of being wronged. 

In Brene Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead”, she introduces us to her concept of, “Let’s rumble”, as a way to show up differently in these spaces. “A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to break and circle back, when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts…”. Now, that’s a lot to bring when we are having strong negative feelings, but it is an excellent framework to practice!

Recently I was coaching an emerging leader who was left with a lingering sour taste after how feedback was delivered from his manager. It was confusing as he is regularly being praised for his performance, but a recent conversation left him feeling off. As we unpacked the situation, we zeroed in on what was troubling him and why, and he felt confident to speak to his manager in a way that would clear the air and recalibrate the relationship.

The beauty of it: he didn’t wait, didn’t stew on it, didn’t extrapolate a fabricated story about his manager from the experience, rather he owned and acted on the emotional cues to get to the heart of the matter. He can do this in large part because there is a strong foundation of earned mutual trust in their relationship. That guy is going to be a remarkable leader!

A deepening of the relationship

People are often surprised when I tell them that my original conflict style was “avoid and placate”. If you would have told young Karen that one day I would lean into the discomfort to embrace a more honest conversation; that one day I would be teaching others the art of navigating those tough conversations with their messy emotions, I would have surely scoffed!

My motivation for addressing sticky issues isn’t because I enjoy a good “rumble” as Brene Brown would call it. I find the courage to have a real conversation because I understand that on the other side of that discomfort is the potential for a more meaningful relationship. It has been increasingly difficult for me to sit with something that is left unsaid, for I understand it is an obstacle to the very thing I want: connection.

The conflict is the way through

I had another client experience where both parties were feeling the growing tensions of their fractured relationship. In preparation for a facilitated dialogue, I interviewed them both independently. What we discovered was fascinating – they were experiencing the same frustrations! Neither felt respected by the other, nor did they feel heard.

Listening is often the first thing to evaporate when conflict is brewing. And yet, as Brown’s research shows, “the antidote to armoring up is staying curious”. If we can, “listen with same passion with which we want to be heard,” as psychologist Harriet Lerner invites us to do, we are better able to “show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos (or our fears)” [Brene Brown].

Burying discomfort doesn’t make it go away. It’s always lurking just below the surface, ready to trip us up. Unresolved issues are an improperly cared for wound that tend to fester and negatively impact health. Left unattended, the fracture spills into team dynamics and organizational culture, with significant costs.

How you manage tension shapes the norms of your workplace. Do you surface issues promptly and respectfully, or lean on passive aggressive techniques that erode trust and respect and add drama, inefficiencies, and ineffectiveness?

Feeling tension?

• Acknowledge it, without judgment or justification.

• Examine your emotions. Sit with them to understand them. Resist the urge to make someone else responsible for them.

• Examine your motivations. Is it to be right, or to grow? To resolve an impasse? Advance a cause? To feel less stressed? Or to create a harmonious and respectful work environment?

• Initiate a “rumble” conversation.   Turn down the noise and seek common ground

• Hunt for insights – for yourself and in understanding others.  You don’t have to agree to validate someone’s experience.

Creating a culture of belonging

Addressing the tension we feel not only builds resiliency and relationships, it sends a message that we value diverse opinions, styles, approaches, and perspectives. Inviting real conversations with the intent of truly understanding provides a forum for creating alignment, making new agreements, and creating space for a fuller experience and an expression of potential.

Slow down, set aside your armor, and find the courage to find another way through.

From Critic to Critical Thinker

As a business therapist, my job is to help untangle the complexity of human dynamics in the work world. In this attempt at sense-making, I sometimes stumble upon an insight or perspective that feeds into a societal norm or trend. Here is what I am noticing …

We are conflating the act of criticizing (ourselves and others), with the skill of critical thinking.

In a series of recent training sessions, I explored with my client the ways in which we use criticism of ourselves as a carrot and stick mechanism for self-improvement. In other words, in the name of personal growth, we beat ourselves up. In the name of feeling better about ourselves, we cast judgment onto others, allowing the faults we perceive of theirs to elevate the perception we have of ourselves. Being critical in this fashion is often shame-inducing, which generally ignites feelings of defensiveness. These acts of criticism ultimately drain our energy and deteriorate our relationships.

Most of us like to think we are critical thinkers, just like we all like to think we are good drivers! And yet, the constant media/information vortex in which we find ourselves diminishes our critical thinking skills. If you are going to have a story, data, report, or social media post influence your way of thinking, what you believe to be true, and decisions you make in your life, you’ll want to trust that the interpretation has gone through some rigor.

As a self-proclaimed word geek, I had to do a little etymological digging.  The word “critical” can mean:

1. Judging severely and finding fault.

2. Reflecting careful analysis and judgment.

3. A turning point; crucial or decisive.

4. Being in, or on the verge of, a state of crisis or emergency.

We are strengthening our capacity to be armchair critics (judging severely and finding fault), while losing our capacity to think critically (reflecting careful analysis). If we operate as if everything is critical (state of crisis), we are perpetuating an unhealthy sense of urgency and feeding drama. If, on the other hand, we practice an astute way of perceiving the world, we may bring a critical eye that illuminates a truer reality.

Critical thinking is the ability to analyze information objectively – weeding out the biases, the inaccuracies, questioning assumptions, and assessing the reliability of sources. Critical thinking isn’t about being constantly negative or critical of everything. It is not meant as a copout to naysay change or validate resistance and remain stuck in one’s views. It’s about having an open, inquisitive mind that values the discovery process. It is about arriving at your own carefully considered conclusions instead of taking information at face value – and being able to shift your thinking when presented with new compelling data. It’s a nimble state of mind that affords you better decision-making and problem-solving.

Thinking critically can also help you see waste in workflows and innovate for better results because you have trained your brain to productively challenge the status quo, sometimes with the simple question of, “Why …”? Why do we do it this way? Coupled with curiosity and enthusiasm, the critical thinker can inspire fresh ideas and collaborative efforts for continuous improvement.

 Demonstrating your capacity to think clearly and integrate facts builds your credibility. Here are a few questions you can explore to help you stay vigilant:

• Is this information complete and up to date?

• What evidence is being presented to support the argument?

• Whose voice is missing here?

• Is the source trustworthy?

• Are there sweeping generalizations or absolutes being made?

• Can you distinguish between opinions, beliefs, and hard data?

• Can you name your own biases on this topic?

• Are you attached to your version of the story?

• Are you invested in proving “them” wrong or in finding the truth?

• Are you seeking validation for what you already know?

• Is the argument emotionally charged?

While critical thinking emphasizes logical reasoning, it does not need to do so at the exclusion of emotional intelligence. In fact, high EQ is essential in checking ourselves! Strong emotions can be amazing fuel for action, and they can cloud one’s perspective, fueling a stubborn attachment to a certain way of thinking.

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers this advice on how to be a better critical thinker:

1.     Be 10% more skeptical of people you agree with – and 10% more charitable to people you disagree with

2.     Look for flaws in ideas you like – and strengths in arguments you dislike.

3.     Discount sources that always trumpet the same narrative- and learn from those that engage with competing ideas.

Embracing this mental acuity is an opportunity to move from being critical to elevating our intellect. Yet, it isn’t just about becoming smarter or more effective. It’s a way to engage in the kind of dialogue that invites a real exchange of ideas. In doing so, we prioritize our relationships, because in the spirit of critical thinking we ask good, open-ended questions and listen intently. In this vein, even when we disagree, we will have a deeper understanding of motivations and reasons, rather than righteous indignation.

The human side of business is often complex and messy, yet it is the heart and soul of our work. Let’s show our colleagues the care and respect they deserve, and that we want for ourselves. Collectively, we can change the tone of our personal and professional discourse.

We don’t have to be critical, to think critically.

Seeking to elevate your impact in 2025?

In preparation for the new year, you may have reflected on how you want to advance your organization, your team, or your own leadership effectiveness. The beginning of a new year is a natural time for fresh starts – and behavioral science research shows that the “fresh start effect” can bring momentum to our efforts.

This is the time of year we usually define goals, shape priorities, connect accountabilities to initiatives, and generally finalize game plans. Clarity of direction is a powerful element in a leader’s repertoire. How else can people follow you if they don’t understand where you are going? Articulating goals puts your expectations in motion. Yet, inspiring sustained effort beyond the new year launch will take more than a well-thought-out strategy.

Unlock your ability to communicate, and you unlock your potential to lead.

Whatever your hopes for 2025, your capacity to achieve them might lie in your ability to clearly and compellingly communicate.

Communication is more than directing your team on the organization’s direction and goals. It’s more than offering valuable feedback, or keeping people informed, or even listening to colleagues’ new ideas (although all of those are essential). Communicating is more than getting our message across, it’s about making a connection. Communications guru Vinh Giang says, “If you want to influence people, it is not just our words, it is in the generosity of energy we give people.”

We all have an “emotional wake” that ripples out from us. Leaders especially so, as they set the tone for the cultural norms. That doesn’t translate into being overly responsible for others, rather owning how we show up and the impact we can have. Likely, you are not fully aware of the impact you have on others. In fact, sometimes we unintentionally create the very opposite desired effect!

Cue mindful leadership.

Each new year I begin with a theme to set my intentions. This year’s word: agency. It’s the capacity to influence my own thoughts and behavior; exercising autonomy in the choices I make, the things I do, and how I go about life. It’s personal accountability in action. I’ve discovered it is easier to embrace a sense of agency when I practice mindfulness. Only then do I have the level of consciousness to be aware of my patterns and direct my energies to align with what I want to experience.

Mindful leadership has the potential to reduce workplace stress, find new ways to solve problems, improve collaboration, promote adaptability to change, and increase creative contribution.

Mindful leaders bring an awareness to their surroundings, a keen observation of dynamics; they notice moods and shifts in energy, and they can sense disengagement in the moment. They pick up on nuances of body language and find entry points to engage even the most reserved. They are skilled in the art of being present and paying attention.

Couple all that with caring, and you have a leader who knows how to connect and inspire! Now what you have to say has more importance because you have invested in creating an honest and open space of belonging.

But first, you will want to hone those observation skills to develop self-awareness. You will have more credibility if you are able to honestly assess your own strengths, weaknesses, and emotional triggers. Notice the emotions that arise when you are in a difficult conversation with a colleague. Do you shut down? Raise your voice? Make them wrong? Become more authoritarian? Push your opinion as the only right one? A mindful leader takes a moment to breathe, assess the situation, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.

If you become known as a leader who makes thoughtful, balanced decisions aligned with core values and long-term goals, you will bring a steadiness and trustworthiness to your organization. Mindfulness brings clarity, focus, and calmness.

New leaders - notice when you are spending too much time and energy proving yourself, advocating stubbornly for your position or defaulting to the power of your position rather than the strength of the relationship. Allow space in a conversation for the dialogue to be organic; a flow that relinquishes control of the outcome. You can still be passionate about the issues, while being clued into what is happening for others. Bringing an empathetic ear might bring the shift needed to reduce friction and find common ground. We all want and deserve to be seen and heard.

Your leadership responsibility is helping those around you achieve their highest potential. If you master the skills of noticing and being curious about the people in your sphere of influence, you will send a message that they matter. In doing so, you are inviting them to bring their full and best selves to the work at hand.

This level of engagement fosters the kind of meaningful conversations that meet people where they are, discovering their unique value and motivations. Your capacity to elevate your impact begins with the simple act of paying attention with the intent to connect and cultivate. The results will follow. May 2025 be a mindfully led, potential-unlocked, and agency-infused year!

It's not my job ... or is it?

The phrase “not my job”, has long been a pet peeve of mine. I remember early in my career when I was the marketing director for a general contractor. It was bid day and a bit tense around the office. I was retrieving my mail from the front desk when I overheard the project manager responsible for the bid inform the controller that the fax machine wasn’t working (Back then, that was how we received subcontractor bids). She shrugged her shoulders and blandly responded, “That’s not my job.”

My younger self was not so skilled in the art of communications and I am pretty sure I snapped at her, declaring something like, “I don’t care if the estimating team needs a $%@ cup of coffee, it’s our job to support them on bid day”.

No doubt the “not my job” mentality bristles against my predisposition for helpfulness and my Midwestern work ethic. I also worry that it can also rob people of the camaraderie experienced when there is an “all-hands-on-deck” task to execute. Doing what it takes to get the job done and having each other’s backs have been the epitome of teamwork for me. As someone who hasn’t always been great at asking for help, a culture that promotes lending a hand also makes it easier to ask for and accept support.

I realize the annoyance for me is more about the attitude I perceive behind it. The reality is that it’s more complicated than that. There are ways in which the “not my job” mantra can be invoked, in a professional manner, for smart operational management – bringing clarity and accountability to roles, responsibilities, and workflows. There are times when “not my job” provides a reality check on an organization’s true resource capacity. (When we stretch ourselves too thin, upper management just sees work getting accomplished and may not see the labor it is taking to get there).

Having worked with hundreds of organizations navigating growth and change, I have witnessed how muddied roles and responsibilities can get and how quickly communication breaks down.

Confusion in roles and responsibilities can plant the seeds for frustration and resentment – and often precipitate a decline in productivity and quality.

Expectations + Accountability + Firefighting

People want to understand what is expected of them and for what they will be held accountable. If it falls outside of their domain, they can still contribute on occasion, but it is not a regular ask.

If someone tries to delegate an undesirable task that is theirs, it might be appropriate to redirect their efforts. A classic example I see is when a manager identifies an employee who needs a performance improvement plan (PIP). Oftentimes, that manager informs the employee that Human Resources will be putting them on a PIP. HR is your business partner, there to guide and support you, but it is not their job to manage the employee. You can’t delegate a relationship!

If your organization is experiencing daily firefighting, it is worth examining how clear people’s authority is in their role and how well known and followed are the procedures and protocols? Ironically, it is often in slowing down that you can begin to catch up. #GoSlowToGoFast

 Ownership and Boundaries

It’s healthy to own our role and be accountable for our work. It can be inspiring to tackle tasks that are not in our lane, but that build our knowledge and skills – and our empathy and understanding of how the broader organization functions. It can fuel our creativity to help a colleague navigate a challenging problem. Lending support can foster a more resilient work community.  (Note: I recommend thoughtfulness when embarking on something not in one’s lane as it can be perceived as interfering, controlling, and/or untrusting).

It’s unhealthy when we say “yes” when we need to say “no”. We can feel overworked, underappreciated, and overwhelmed. Consistently overcommitting (no boundaries) deteriorates trust and leads to burnout.  

If we don’t have boundaries for our workload, our own work may suffer, and we may be masking underlying organizational ailments. Is the organization under resourced? Is it tolerating vague, haphazard, and unpredictable workflows? Is it asking people to do work that they are ill-equipped to execute? Is it ignoring poor performance by having top performers pick up the slack?

Sometimes saying “Let me help you with that” is the right offer at the right time. Sometimes, a boundary is exactly the right response.

You may come up against requests of you that are legitimately not your job and require conversations to navigate. Consider it your job to speak up, to articulate your needs, your capacity, be your own advocate, redirect a request, be a team player, and contribute to problem solving.

For example, I’m afraid I don’t know anything about the fax machines, that’s Terry’s expertise. Let me bring her into this conversation. Or “Actually, as your HR Business Partner, I don’t manage the Performance Improvement Plan. I can however coach you through the process so you can mentor your team member.”

Helping our colleagues can be an immensely satisfying experience. When we share a common goal and have our fingerprints on the work, we get to celebrate in the collective wins. It can foster a sense of being needed, appreciated, and belonging. If we are regularly asked to do more than our fair share, it can feel exhausting and generate feelings of being taken for granted.

Healthy boundaries at work can keep us from getting into unhealthy dynamics.  What can you own as your job?

Preserving Your Culture During Periods of Transition and Growth

A thriving culture attracts and retains great employees, collaborators, and clients. Growth, even when welcomed and necessary, can feel like a threat to that which we cherish.

• We know change is a constant, and sometimes it comes hard and fast.

• We know change is a constant, and yet, we may find ourselves and our teams resistant to it.

Why? Change can spike feelings of uncertainty, triggering a desire to stubbornly preserve what is and to exert control where we can. It can feel more secure to stay with what is known, than to venture into unchartered territory.

Many leaders have expressed to me the legitimate concern that change and growth will upend their beloved culture. They fear becoming, “too corporate”, and losing the essence of who they are; and of losing their capacity to be nimble and fluid. They are right not to take their culture for granted or leave it to chance.

I have witnessed clients come up against the culture challenge during times of change. Intellectually they understand they cannot manage a firm of 80-100 people, the same way they had managed a team of 10-20. Yet, organizations, as a collection of people, have established patterns in how they do what they do. These norms may be formalized into standard operating procedures, or more likely, a loosely organized understanding of how stuff gets done.

It is not uncommon for organizations to continue practices that are well past their effective shelf life. How we have always done things generally is not a compelling reason on its own to be the way in which we do things moving forward.

Telltale Signs

During times of substantial transition and rapid growth, be on the lookout for these common signs of growing pains:

• Increased communication breakdowns. You may find it more challenging to keep people informed, aligned, and engaged, with conflict on the rise.

• Lack of clarity of who does what. Blurred roles and responsibilities can create frustrations and inefficiencies.

• Unclear strategy or direction and competing priorities. To make the most of your resources, you need to articulate a clear plan that gives your team focus and empowerment.

• Decline in quality. Without proper workflows or explicit expectations at all levels, quality can slip.

• Stalled initiatives may indicate a failure to achieve buy-in and/or too many at once, often resulting in a dive in employee engagement.

• Less collaboration and more, “just tell me what to do”.

• Slow decision-making. While being deliberate and inclusive in making important decisions is smart, being overly democratic and indecisive reflects poorly on leadership.

• Compromised brand integrity. Your brand is an external representation of the internal company workings. An integrity gap is the distance between what you say about your organization and how you actually operate. When there is a disconnect, you run the risk of deteriorating trust – internally and externally.

Beware the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. “We’ve always done it this way”; “when I became a leader, we just did whatever it took”. We humans tend to soften past struggles and slip into a simpler story of the past than we originally experienced it. And conditions now are likely different than they were then. Resistance to change by the “old guard” can result in less creativity and contribution by younger or newer staff.

Adaptability in Action.

Recently a client identified critical issues undermining their capacity to deliver.  They underwent a swift departmental restructuring. The resulting reorganization was instrumental in retention of key employees, as well as providing growth opportunities for top talent. This change better reflected and supported the ground truth reality of what was needed to continue delivering optimal service to their clients. They were able to execute this decision quickly and with minimal disruption in part because they embrace a growth mindset. If it’s not working, their culture is equipped to adapt.

Values and Beliefs as GPS Coordinates.

I have a client that has well-established and fully integrated values and beliefs that shape its cultural norms. Managers use them in making decisions and in giving feedback; at meetings you’ll hear their values guiding discussions; and they are embedded in performance reviews. They reflect a commitment to excellence, communications, balanced lives, a safe work environment, accountability, and even fun and laughter. This shared code of conduct helps team members navigate the inevitable challenges and frustrations that arise – internally and externally. And this is a firm with thousands of employees across the globe, serving several public and private industries. In other words, they are a large, complex organization that has relied on its values and beliefs developed at the origin of the company, to keep fostering a culture that creates a sense of belonging while driving performance.

What can you do to lead your organization through times of transition and growth?

Take Inventory:

1.     Examine your organization’s patterns. What still works? What no longer serves you? How do you address difficult issues/conversations? How do you make decisions?

2.     Conduct an Integrity Audit. How well are you living the brand you profess? If you proudly tell clients about your collaborative approach, where might you level up your collaboration internally? Recommit to articulating and practicing your stated values.

3.     What do you cherish about your culture? What is part of your DNA that you want to preserve?

4.     Where can you remove barriers of resistance? How can you enroll others in your vision?

I invite you to shift from being change-resistant to being intentional about creating the change that will best serve your organization. Stability or security is not in tightly holding onto what is, but in trusting in the integrity of how you operate; and in welcoming the creative energy that can come from change.

An intentionally curated culture, based on a solid foundation of values and effective norms, can not only weather the seas of change, but embrace the continual evolution that makes for robust organizational health.