When tensions rise ...

Perhaps the most common desired outcome I hear from coaching clients is to learn how to better navigate difficult conversations.

It is understandable. Conflict can feel incredibly uncomfortable, destabilizing, and even threatening. Our emotions get triggered, our words mangled, and our demeanor disheveled. We don’t feel in control in an atmosphere that is charged. That can lead to feeling exposed in a way that we feel a need to protect ourselves.

Self-protection shows up in a lot of ways. The most common armors we adorn are defensiveness and righteousness, which can lead to lashing out, avoidance and/or stubbornness. And while they may feel justified, they do little to advance the issues, solicit growth, or foster a healthy workplace culture.

When we feel tensions rise it is our emotional intelligence awakening the need to tend to issues that matter to us. The sooner we do so, the more likely we can successfully cut through the intensity and unpack what is really transpiring underneath. The longer we wait, the more likely those tensions are to simmer until they boil over into resentment, building our case against others, anchoring our assumptions as truth, and our hurt as proof of being wronged. 

In Brene Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead”, she introduces us to her concept of, “Let’s rumble”, as a way to show up differently in these spaces. “A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to break and circle back, when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts…”. Now, that’s a lot to bring when we are having strong negative feelings, but it is an excellent framework to practice!

Recently I was coaching an emerging leader who was left with a lingering sour taste after how feedback was delivered from his manager. It was confusing as he is regularly being praised for his performance, but a recent conversation left him feeling off. As we unpacked the situation, we zeroed in on what was troubling him and why, and he felt confident to speak to his manager in a way that would clear the air and recalibrate the relationship.

The beauty of it: he didn’t wait, didn’t stew on it, didn’t extrapolate a fabricated story about his manager from the experience, rather he owned and acted on the emotional cues to get to the heart of the matter. He can do this in large part because there is a strong foundation of earned mutual trust in their relationship. That guy is going to be a remarkable leader!

A deepening of the relationship

People are often surprised when I tell them that my original conflict style was “avoid and placate”. If you would have told young Karen that one day I would lean into the discomfort to embrace a more honest conversation; that one day I would be teaching others the art of navigating those tough conversations with their messy emotions, I would have surely scoffed!

My motivation for addressing sticky issues isn’t because I enjoy a good “rumble” as Brene Brown would call it. I find the courage to have a real conversation because I understand that on the other side of that discomfort is the potential for a more meaningful relationship. It has been increasingly difficult for me to sit with something that is left unsaid, for I understand it is an obstacle to the very thing I want: connection.

The conflict is the way through

I had another client experience where both parties were feeling the growing tensions of their fractured relationship. In preparation for a facilitated dialogue, I interviewed them both independently. What we discovered was fascinating – they were experiencing the same frustrations! Neither felt respected by the other, nor did they feel heard.

Listening is often the first thing to evaporate when conflict is brewing. And yet, as Brown’s research shows, “the antidote to armoring up is staying curious”. If we can, “listen with same passion with which we want to be heard,” as psychologist Harriet Lerner invites us to do, we are better able to “show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos (or our fears)” [Brene Brown].

Burying discomfort doesn’t make it go away. It’s always lurking just below the surface, ready to trip us up. Unresolved issues are an improperly cared for wound that tend to fester and negatively impact health. Left unattended, the fracture spills into team dynamics and organizational culture, with significant costs.

How you manage tension shapes the norms of your workplace. Do you surface issues promptly and respectfully, or lean on passive aggressive techniques that erode trust and respect and add drama, inefficiencies, and ineffectiveness?

Feeling tension?

• Acknowledge it, without judgment or justification.

• Examine your emotions. Sit with them to understand them. Resist the urge to make someone else responsible for them.

• Examine your motivations. Is it to be right, or to grow? To resolve an impasse? Advance a cause? To feel less stressed? Or to create a harmonious and respectful work environment?

• Initiate a “rumble” conversation.   Turn down the noise and seek common ground

• Hunt for insights – for yourself and in understanding others.  You don’t have to agree to validate someone’s experience.

Creating a culture of belonging

Addressing the tension we feel not only builds resiliency and relationships, it sends a message that we value diverse opinions, styles, approaches, and perspectives. Inviting real conversations with the intent of truly understanding provides a forum for creating alignment, making new agreements, and creating space for a fuller experience and an expression of potential.

Slow down, set aside your armor, and find the courage to find another way through.

Mastering Chaos: Building Agency Through Emotional Resiliency

Have you ever experienced intense emotions at work that interfere with your capacity to focus; that create distance between you and a colleague; or generally limit your ability to do your best? Anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety, and embarrassment are just a few examples of tough emotions that challenge our potential to do great work.

Common reactions to tough emotions are to ignore, bury, pretend they don’t matter, avoid the situation or person, let it go (but not really), ruminate, make others wrong, build one’s case (and resentment), and speak poorly of others. Spoiler alert: these tactics backfire. The intense feelings get internalized and amplified, resulting in the burden of carrying an even bigger emotional load.

Emotional intelligence, the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effect on others, can make or break your job satisfaction, the possibility for meaningful, healthy relationships, and even your organization’s culture.

The beauty of delving into the complexity of emotions is that it can unearth incredible, epiphany-inducing insights. The mere act of sitting with and reflecting on the precise emotion you are experiencing can bring a deep awareness of what matters to you. By making the unconscious, conscious, we can navigate the difficult emotion with more clarity and intentionality.

Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, invites us to “go beyond the umbrella term to identify exactly what we are feeling.” For example, if we are feeling “hurt”, go deeper to understand why. Do you feel betrayed? Victimized? Jealous? Unappreciated? By understanding the emotion more accurately, we can begin to address it more effectively.

 Common Workplace Flare Ups

The workplace is a petri dish of emotional energy. People get triggered. Triggers are specific stimuli that lead to an intense emotional or psychological response. (Note: for those who have experienced trauma, the intensity will be more severe). There are several predictable ways in which an uncomfortable emotion becomes embedded in drama and dysfunction. Here are three common areas:

1.     Taking things personally,

2.     Making assumptions, and

3.     Making comparisons that results in questioning one’s value.

When negative emotions are stirred up, we often take things personally and get defensive. We attribute bad intent to the people connected to the experience. In the assumption of bad intent, we fabricate a story that feels like the truth. Misinterpretations lead to elevated tensions and decreased trust.

What might have been a simple communication breakdown, now is an unshakeable belief system – one that we defend wholeheartedly. We feel justified in our anger, we feel righteous in our position, and we stubbornly adhere to our opinions. We adorn our armor to protect where we feel most vulnerable.

 Example: “She made me anxious when she asked me that question in front of everyone. That was unfair of her to put me on the spot like that. She’s trying to discredit me. The other director isn’t meeting his goals either.”

What if, in the example above, the person that asked the question respects your opinion and believes you have something to offer to the discussion. Maybe they want to give you an opportunity to shine so you may be recognized for your thought leadership. The point being the only observable fact was the person was asked a question in a group environment. The rest is chaos conjured up.

Comparing ourselves to others. Brene Brown speaks of it as “trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out”. Her research indicates that comparisons are associated with fear, anger, shame, and sadness. In the workplace, at best it could fuel healthy competitiveness, but it often causes silos, power struggles, knowledge hoarding, and gossiping.

 Own Your Emotions.

When we speak of someone making us feel a certain way, we are giving our power away. Instead, the invitation is to own the emotion you are experiencing, understand what triggered it, interrogate the story you are telling yourself about it, and notice what is “underneath” all the noise. In the example above, you might acknowledge that you abhor public speaking, or perhaps you feel self-conscious about taking the spotlight because you value team recognition over individualism; or you prefer time to process before speaking, or maybe you feel insecure about your knowledge on the topic and fear making a mistake. The point is to be rigorously honest with yourself about what is transpiring for you.

Know our value, know our power. Emotional intelligence also means we have an honest assessment of our strengths and weaknesses. When we know where and how we excel, we can contribute in ways that empower us and shine the light for others.

Self-Advocacy.

We need to be our own advocates. That might include speaking up for yourself – articulating your wants, needs, or preferences. It might mean saying no and having clear boundaries. Self-advocacy can also be an invitation to actively pursue what you want to experience. It is an expression of agency.

Agency is the sense of control you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, the capacity to exercise autonomy in decision-making and in actions. It means you have a choice in how you respond to the emotions that trigger you. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

The next time you feel a challenging emotion at work, lean in and be curious. How do you want to show up? The choice is yours.

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Preserving Your Culture During Periods of Transition and Growth

A thriving culture attracts and retains great employees, collaborators, and clients. Growth, even when welcomed and necessary, can feel like a threat to that which we cherish.

• We know change is a constant, and sometimes it comes hard and fast.

• We know change is a constant, and yet, we may find ourselves and our teams resistant to it.

Why? Change can spike feelings of uncertainty, triggering a desire to stubbornly preserve what is and to exert control where we can. It can feel more secure to stay with what is known, than to venture into unchartered territory.

Many leaders have expressed to me the legitimate concern that change and growth will upend their beloved culture. They fear becoming, “too corporate”, and losing the essence of who they are; and of losing their capacity to be nimble and fluid. They are right not to take their culture for granted or leave it to chance.

I have witnessed clients come up against the culture challenge during times of change. Intellectually they understand they cannot manage a firm of 80-100 people, the same way they had managed a team of 10-20. Yet, organizations, as a collection of people, have established patterns in how they do what they do. These norms may be formalized into standard operating procedures, or more likely, a loosely organized understanding of how stuff gets done.

It is not uncommon for organizations to continue practices that are well past their effective shelf life. How we have always done things generally is not a compelling reason on its own to be the way in which we do things moving forward.

Telltale Signs

During times of substantial transition and rapid growth, be on the lookout for these common signs of growing pains:

• Increased communication breakdowns. You may find it more challenging to keep people informed, aligned, and engaged, with conflict on the rise.

• Lack of clarity of who does what. Blurred roles and responsibilities can create frustrations and inefficiencies.

• Unclear strategy or direction and competing priorities. To make the most of your resources, you need to articulate a clear plan that gives your team focus and empowerment.

• Decline in quality. Without proper workflows or explicit expectations at all levels, quality can slip.

• Stalled initiatives may indicate a failure to achieve buy-in and/or too many at once, often resulting in a dive in employee engagement.

• Less collaboration and more, “just tell me what to do”.

• Slow decision-making. While being deliberate and inclusive in making important decisions is smart, being overly democratic and indecisive reflects poorly on leadership.

• Compromised brand integrity. Your brand is an external representation of the internal company workings. An integrity gap is the distance between what you say about your organization and how you actually operate. When there is a disconnect, you run the risk of deteriorating trust – internally and externally.

Beware the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. “We’ve always done it this way”; “when I became a leader, we just did whatever it took”. We humans tend to soften past struggles and slip into a simpler story of the past than we originally experienced it. And conditions now are likely different than they were then. Resistance to change by the “old guard” can result in less creativity and contribution by younger or newer staff.

Adaptability in Action.

Recently a client identified critical issues undermining their capacity to deliver.  They underwent a swift departmental restructuring. The resulting reorganization was instrumental in retention of key employees, as well as providing growth opportunities for top talent. This change better reflected and supported the ground truth reality of what was needed to continue delivering optimal service to their clients. They were able to execute this decision quickly and with minimal disruption in part because they embrace a growth mindset. If it’s not working, their culture is equipped to adapt.

Values and Beliefs as GPS Coordinates.

I have a client that has well-established and fully integrated values and beliefs that shape its cultural norms. Managers use them in making decisions and in giving feedback; at meetings you’ll hear their values guiding discussions; and they are embedded in performance reviews. They reflect a commitment to excellence, communications, balanced lives, a safe work environment, accountability, and even fun and laughter. This shared code of conduct helps team members navigate the inevitable challenges and frustrations that arise – internally and externally. And this is a firm with thousands of employees across the globe, serving several public and private industries. In other words, they are a large, complex organization that has relied on its values and beliefs developed at the origin of the company, to keep fostering a culture that creates a sense of belonging while driving performance.

What can you do to lead your organization through times of transition and growth?

Take Inventory:

1.     Examine your organization’s patterns. What still works? What no longer serves you? How do you address difficult issues/conversations? How do you make decisions?

2.     Conduct an Integrity Audit. How well are you living the brand you profess? If you proudly tell clients about your collaborative approach, where might you level up your collaboration internally? Recommit to articulating and practicing your stated values.

3.     What do you cherish about your culture? What is part of your DNA that you want to preserve?

4.     Where can you remove barriers of resistance? How can you enroll others in your vision?

I invite you to shift from being change-resistant to being intentional about creating the change that will best serve your organization. Stability or security is not in tightly holding onto what is, but in trusting in the integrity of how you operate; and in welcoming the creative energy that can come from change.

An intentionally curated culture, based on a solid foundation of values and effective norms, can not only weather the seas of change, but embrace the continual evolution that makes for robust organizational health.

Boundaries: The Promise of Empowerment

The art of articulating your wants and needs

When Warren Miller’s “No Boundaries” extreme ski tour hit the Arlene Schnitzer theater in the mid-2000s, I admit I was bedazzled by the feats, the adrenaline, and the badassery of it all. The freedom of the wild, uncharted territory stirred up a spirit of adventure and unstoppable, rule-breaking energy.

No Limits. It feels so full of possibilities ... so empowering!

My relationship to boundaries was a concept of limitations. It felt like someone telling me what I could and could not do. It felt restrictive. And, for someone who values freedom, I wanted nothing to do with that notion of boundaries!

It took a few years before I understood the tremendous value boundaries can bring to self-care, healthy relationships, and high-functioning teams.  I came to understand boundaries as a mechanism to be more responsible for my experiences, providing me with a way to construct a life on my terms.

Redefining the Lines. 

Boundaries are a way to articulate what you want and need. They tell people what matters to you, what you stand for, and what you will not tolerate. Clear and healthy boundaries reflect healthy self-respect and are an acknowledgment of personal accountability.  They serve as guidelines for how you are treated and how you treat others.  

A Balancing Act

Consider for a moment how you want to be perceived in your workplace. Reliable? Helpful? Valuable? A team player? Kind and generous?

These are all worthy, admirable traits of any professional. Where we tend to get into trouble is when we over-index. We tip the scales to being hyper-reliable and helpful, regularly bending over backwards to accommodate others. Reactionary rather than responsive. We perceive our value as to being the “go to” person that always says, “yes”. We put in an extraordinary amount of effort at the eleventh hour and at the expense of other personal commitments, so that we don’t let the team down or the project falter.  In the mistaken name of kindness and generosity we send mixed messages and unclear feedback while perpetuating coddling.

All of this muddies the water of good working relationships. It adds the burden of confusion to team dynamics and can lead to power struggles, assumptions, and resentment. Trust and respect are on the line when we fail to articulate and keep healthy boundaries.

Strong relationships have a more equal exchange of give and take. We negotiate with each other to accomplish the tasks at hand while getting our fundamental needs met. When people know where we stand – and where they stand with us – we create a space for honest dialogue.

Where Boundaries Often Exist

Time, energy, and personal space are common domains for boundary-setting. Your time is finite and how you spend it reflects your values and priorities. If you find your calendar regularly at the whim of others’ demands, you likely will not feel in control of your own time.

If you find yourself exhausted from overcommitments or energy sucking activities and people, you may need to set boundaries to protect your own energy. Boundary setting is essential when you experience unacceptable behavior from others such as disrespect or hostility. It may come in the form of someone talking over you, taking credit for your work, speaking ill of others, showing up late, not responding to repeated requests, or in taking advantage of you in some way.

Violations + Triggers – How do you know a boundary has been crossed?

You may not have clear boundaries in place, but you likely have experienced the emotions that come with a boundary violation.

Emotional states such as anxiety, anger, shame, annoyance, indignation, not feeling appreciated, are cues that something is amiss. These telltale signs can help bring clarity to what we want that we are not getting.

Why can it be so hard to create and maintain boundaries?

Have you had the experience of someone asking you to go to an event that you don’t want to go to, and if you have a pre-existing commitment, you cheerfully reply, “Thanks for the invite but I have plans”. Yet, if you don’t actually have plans, find it uncomfortable just to say, “No thanks.”?

When we attempt to put a boundary in place we may feel like we are letting others down. We may feel real or perceived pressure to say yes. It can stir up a twinge of guilt.

It is a social skill to read people. If, however, we spend so much energy considering what we say and how we say it, we might be mistaking our emotional awareness with people pleasing.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be helpful. The problems emerge when we take on other peoples’ issues as our own. We can be responsible to others without being responsible for them.

We also may have a perception that “boundary keepers” are rigid, too sensitive, or selfish, thereby making boundary setting feel unsavory.  A reframe is that boundary keepers are committed to long term sustainable success, creating an environment of focus, respect, clarity, and continued check-ins to reflect the evolving needs of the work environment.

How to become a better, guilt-free, empowered "Boundary Keeper"  

• Protect your time. Whether that’s a time block to tackle a work project without interruption or keeping an agreement you’ve made with yourself.

• Limit time with people whose energy is exhausting to you.

• Ask for help or delegate.

• Don’t answer emails after hours or on weekends.

• Renegotiate priorities when your workload is at capacity.

• Stop being the dumping ground of office drama. You can choose to listen but redirect them to resolve the issue with the person with whom they are in conflict.

• Maintain objectivity by not getting too invested in others’ stuff. 

• Don’t share someone else’s struggles. It’s their story to tell.

What boundary are you ready to set?

Maintaining boundaries requires a healthy dose of self-awareness and discipline. Stay connected to what you see as the benefits of honoring your boundaries. Don't be surprised if you find it to be an incredibly freeing and empowering experience! 

 ~ Karen

P.S. I invite you to confidentially share your boundary breakthroughs and setbacks with me. I love hearing from other people doing the work, or as Brene Brown likes to say, someone who is "in the arena".