When tensions rise ...

Perhaps the most common desired outcome I hear from coaching clients is to learn how to better navigate difficult conversations.

It is understandable. Conflict can feel incredibly uncomfortable, destabilizing, and even threatening. Our emotions get triggered, our words mangled, and our demeanor disheveled. We don’t feel in control in an atmosphere that is charged. That can lead to feeling exposed in a way that we feel a need to protect ourselves.

Self-protection shows up in a lot of ways. The most common armors we adorn are defensiveness and righteousness, which can lead to lashing out, avoidance and/or stubbornness. And while they may feel justified, they do little to advance the issues, solicit growth, or foster a healthy workplace culture.

When we feel tensions rise it is our emotional intelligence awakening the need to tend to issues that matter to us. The sooner we do so, the more likely we can successfully cut through the intensity and unpack what is really transpiring underneath. The longer we wait, the more likely those tensions are to simmer until they boil over into resentment, building our case against others, anchoring our assumptions as truth, and our hurt as proof of being wronged. 

In Brene Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead”, she introduces us to her concept of, “Let’s rumble”, as a way to show up differently in these spaces. “A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to break and circle back, when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts…”. Now, that’s a lot to bring when we are having strong negative feelings, but it is an excellent framework to practice!

Recently I was coaching an emerging leader who was left with a lingering sour taste after how feedback was delivered from his manager. It was confusing as he is regularly being praised for his performance, but a recent conversation left him feeling off. As we unpacked the situation, we zeroed in on what was troubling him and why, and he felt confident to speak to his manager in a way that would clear the air and recalibrate the relationship.

The beauty of it: he didn’t wait, didn’t stew on it, didn’t extrapolate a fabricated story about his manager from the experience, rather he owned and acted on the emotional cues to get to the heart of the matter. He can do this in large part because there is a strong foundation of earned mutual trust in their relationship. That guy is going to be a remarkable leader!

A deepening of the relationship

People are often surprised when I tell them that my original conflict style was “avoid and placate”. If you would have told young Karen that one day I would lean into the discomfort to embrace a more honest conversation; that one day I would be teaching others the art of navigating those tough conversations with their messy emotions, I would have surely scoffed!

My motivation for addressing sticky issues isn’t because I enjoy a good “rumble” as Brene Brown would call it. I find the courage to have a real conversation because I understand that on the other side of that discomfort is the potential for a more meaningful relationship. It has been increasingly difficult for me to sit with something that is left unsaid, for I understand it is an obstacle to the very thing I want: connection.

The conflict is the way through

I had another client experience where both parties were feeling the growing tensions of their fractured relationship. In preparation for a facilitated dialogue, I interviewed them both independently. What we discovered was fascinating – they were experiencing the same frustrations! Neither felt respected by the other, nor did they feel heard.

Listening is often the first thing to evaporate when conflict is brewing. And yet, as Brown’s research shows, “the antidote to armoring up is staying curious”. If we can, “listen with same passion with which we want to be heard,” as psychologist Harriet Lerner invites us to do, we are better able to “show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos (or our fears)” [Brene Brown].

Burying discomfort doesn’t make it go away. It’s always lurking just below the surface, ready to trip us up. Unresolved issues are an improperly cared for wound that tend to fester and negatively impact health. Left unattended, the fracture spills into team dynamics and organizational culture, with significant costs.

How you manage tension shapes the norms of your workplace. Do you surface issues promptly and respectfully, or lean on passive aggressive techniques that erode trust and respect and add drama, inefficiencies, and ineffectiveness?

Feeling tension?

• Acknowledge it, without judgment or justification.

• Examine your emotions. Sit with them to understand them. Resist the urge to make someone else responsible for them.

• Examine your motivations. Is it to be right, or to grow? To resolve an impasse? Advance a cause? To feel less stressed? Or to create a harmonious and respectful work environment?

• Initiate a “rumble” conversation.   Turn down the noise and seek common ground

• Hunt for insights – for yourself and in understanding others.  You don’t have to agree to validate someone’s experience.

Creating a culture of belonging

Addressing the tension we feel not only builds resiliency and relationships, it sends a message that we value diverse opinions, styles, approaches, and perspectives. Inviting real conversations with the intent of truly understanding provides a forum for creating alignment, making new agreements, and creating space for a fuller experience and an expression of potential.

Slow down, set aside your armor, and find the courage to find another way through.

Preserving Your Culture During Periods of Transition and Growth

A thriving culture attracts and retains great employees, collaborators, and clients. Growth, even when welcomed and necessary, can feel like a threat to that which we cherish.

• We know change is a constant, and sometimes it comes hard and fast.

• We know change is a constant, and yet, we may find ourselves and our teams resistant to it.

Why? Change can spike feelings of uncertainty, triggering a desire to stubbornly preserve what is and to exert control where we can. It can feel more secure to stay with what is known, than to venture into unchartered territory.

Many leaders have expressed to me the legitimate concern that change and growth will upend their beloved culture. They fear becoming, “too corporate”, and losing the essence of who they are; and of losing their capacity to be nimble and fluid. They are right not to take their culture for granted or leave it to chance.

I have witnessed clients come up against the culture challenge during times of change. Intellectually they understand they cannot manage a firm of 80-100 people, the same way they had managed a team of 10-20. Yet, organizations, as a collection of people, have established patterns in how they do what they do. These norms may be formalized into standard operating procedures, or more likely, a loosely organized understanding of how stuff gets done.

It is not uncommon for organizations to continue practices that are well past their effective shelf life. How we have always done things generally is not a compelling reason on its own to be the way in which we do things moving forward.

Telltale Signs

During times of substantial transition and rapid growth, be on the lookout for these common signs of growing pains:

• Increased communication breakdowns. You may find it more challenging to keep people informed, aligned, and engaged, with conflict on the rise.

• Lack of clarity of who does what. Blurred roles and responsibilities can create frustrations and inefficiencies.

• Unclear strategy or direction and competing priorities. To make the most of your resources, you need to articulate a clear plan that gives your team focus and empowerment.

• Decline in quality. Without proper workflows or explicit expectations at all levels, quality can slip.

• Stalled initiatives may indicate a failure to achieve buy-in and/or too many at once, often resulting in a dive in employee engagement.

• Less collaboration and more, “just tell me what to do”.

• Slow decision-making. While being deliberate and inclusive in making important decisions is smart, being overly democratic and indecisive reflects poorly on leadership.

• Compromised brand integrity. Your brand is an external representation of the internal company workings. An integrity gap is the distance between what you say about your organization and how you actually operate. When there is a disconnect, you run the risk of deteriorating trust – internally and externally.

Beware the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. “We’ve always done it this way”; “when I became a leader, we just did whatever it took”. We humans tend to soften past struggles and slip into a simpler story of the past than we originally experienced it. And conditions now are likely different than they were then. Resistance to change by the “old guard” can result in less creativity and contribution by younger or newer staff.

Adaptability in Action.

Recently a client identified critical issues undermining their capacity to deliver.  They underwent a swift departmental restructuring. The resulting reorganization was instrumental in retention of key employees, as well as providing growth opportunities for top talent. This change better reflected and supported the ground truth reality of what was needed to continue delivering optimal service to their clients. They were able to execute this decision quickly and with minimal disruption in part because they embrace a growth mindset. If it’s not working, their culture is equipped to adapt.

Values and Beliefs as GPS Coordinates.

I have a client that has well-established and fully integrated values and beliefs that shape its cultural norms. Managers use them in making decisions and in giving feedback; at meetings you’ll hear their values guiding discussions; and they are embedded in performance reviews. They reflect a commitment to excellence, communications, balanced lives, a safe work environment, accountability, and even fun and laughter. This shared code of conduct helps team members navigate the inevitable challenges and frustrations that arise – internally and externally. And this is a firm with thousands of employees across the globe, serving several public and private industries. In other words, they are a large, complex organization that has relied on its values and beliefs developed at the origin of the company, to keep fostering a culture that creates a sense of belonging while driving performance.

What can you do to lead your organization through times of transition and growth?

Take Inventory:

1.     Examine your organization’s patterns. What still works? What no longer serves you? How do you address difficult issues/conversations? How do you make decisions?

2.     Conduct an Integrity Audit. How well are you living the brand you profess? If you proudly tell clients about your collaborative approach, where might you level up your collaboration internally? Recommit to articulating and practicing your stated values.

3.     What do you cherish about your culture? What is part of your DNA that you want to preserve?

4.     Where can you remove barriers of resistance? How can you enroll others in your vision?

I invite you to shift from being change-resistant to being intentional about creating the change that will best serve your organization. Stability or security is not in tightly holding onto what is, but in trusting in the integrity of how you operate; and in welcoming the creative energy that can come from change.

An intentionally curated culture, based on a solid foundation of values and effective norms, can not only weather the seas of change, but embrace the continual evolution that makes for robust organizational health.