Friction in the Workplace: Friend or Foe?

Friction … most of us would prefer to live without it.

Having recently battled bouncing emails where, unbeknownst to me, clients and colleagues were receiving an “address not found” message, I can attest that the attempt to fix the problem was fraught with friction. Dead-end research, yet another authentication process, an expired code, a too-friendly, inauthentic AI chatbot … each only heightened my angst.

That kind of friction adds no value to our day, other than perhaps my deep appreciation for the IT heroes who ultimately helped bring my email back to life. That kind of friction is disruptive, stressful and reduces our capacity to perform.

Friction in the workplace can show up as tension and discomfort: leaders out of alignment, teams embroiled in conflict, or something as simple as feeling frustrated. Left unattended, friction can create cliques and silos, stall projects, and diminish relationships. When this kind of friction takes hold in an organization, cultures can become high-drama and low-efficacy. It can leave your people exhausted.

And yet … not all friction is created equally. In fact, some friction is beneficial.

Imagine friction as the creative tension among diverse and passionate team members dedicated to delivering on your organization’s mission. The bubbling up of differences – ideas, approaches, beliefs and opinions – adds depth and dimension to problem-solving, opening doors for innovative thinking and building mutual respect.

If you have a healthy forum, one that fosters psychological safety, friction can be recognized and addressed for what it is. It sets the stage for what I call “co-creating”: an opportunity for all voices to be heard and for varying perspectives to weigh in from their unique vantage point.

In this kind of space, friction is afforded the room to turn up the heat on a more robust dialogue – and ultimately, a more optimal and well-vetted solution. The level of buy-in is elevated, and the identification and mitigation of risks are more likely to be examined honestly.

Imagine you need to make a decision that you know is going to ignite controversy. There’s palpable tension around the issue. You might avoid it, have side conversations to build your case, or consciously or subconsciously make those who disagree with you wrong. These strategies tend to create more office politics and lower trust.

Now imagine sharing the decision you are facing with your leadership team. You acknowledge the discomfort in the room. You lay out your case and explain why you think the way you do, perhaps in the context of your organization’s mission and values. You then facilitate an honest conversation, inviting your team to challenge your thinking and assumptions, explore viable alternatives, and examine the potential impacts on the team, culture, clients and bottom line.

This kind of structured dialogue makes it more likely that you will make an informed, collaborative decision that produces more aligned action.

A little healthy friction can unveil what really matters: your values, commitments, and priorities.

Consider a seemingly simple situation: someone invites you to an event that matters deeply to them, but you don’t want to go. You care about the person, and you don’t want to disappoint them. So you start searching for a reason that will make your “no” easier for them to hear.

Maybe you say you already have plans. Maybe you blame your workload. Maybe you offer a convenient little white lie.

The interesting part isn’t the decision itself. It’s what happens inside you as you construct the answer. When the explanation you’re giving isn’t actually true, something in you knows it. You’re working to make your words acceptable while knowing they aren’t quite aligned with how you want to show up.

We experience this same kind of internal friction at work.

It can happen when we make a decision that conflicts with a value we hold. When we stay silent because speaking up feels uncomfortable. When we say we’re committed to collaboration but choose to make the decision ourselves. When we tell our team that candor matters, then avoid giving the feedback someone genuinely needs. When we prioritize quality but let an important standard slide because we’re under pressure to get something out the door.

That friction is worth paying attention to. It can be a pathway to awareness and growth.

It may be telling us that something important is out of alignment. Not necessarily that we’ve made the wrong decision, but that we’ve crossed paths with a value, commitment or priority that deserves our attention.

In that sense, friction isn’t always something to eliminate. Sometimes it’s information.

The invitation is to notice what triggers your experience of friction and the ways in which you tend to respond. Pay attention to experiences of overthinking and overanalyzing, avoiding or feeling overwhelmed. These may be indicators that something important is asking for your attention.

Friction is usually associated with some level of frustration. And behind frustration is often a hope, desire, want, need or expectation for a certain experience or outcome.

Examining our frustrations with curiosity and kindness can help us make sense of what the emotion is telling us. What’s underneath your frustration? What matters to you here? What expectation, need or value is being challenged?

This line of inquiry can help you name the source of the friction, which in turn can help you address the root cause.

Sometimes the most useful question isn’t, “How do I get rid of this uncomfortable feeling?” but “What is this friction trying to tell me about how I want to lead?”

A frictionless workplace is not only unachievable, it’s not ideal. It’s bland. It can signal an avoidance of real conversations and bigger opportunities. When people start going through the motions, stagnation and apathy can take hold.

I’m not suggesting you want a workplace full of friction.

Instead, normalize friction as an indicator that something matters and deserves to be addressed.

Invite the real conversations that turn friction into robust collaboration.

Move friction from foe to friend.

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Could this be the ultimate stress buster?

There are a lot of proposed remedies for managing life’s stressors. You may have tried some of them – with varying degrees of success. Even if you have a high stress tolerance, most leaders have reported feeling an inordinate amount of stress in today’s business climate. I would like to propose something that de-escalates the natural stress responses of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn*: bringing a sense of curiosity.

Sound too simple? Let me share how I’ve seen it work.

Navigating Change

Yesterday during a client workshop on accountability, one participant spoke of her team’s resistance to change and wanted to know how to cultivate buy-in for the new expectations. Instead of starting with selling all the benefits of the upcoming change, we slowed the conversation down and examined what might be her team’s discomfort and fears related to the change. 

Curiosity can unearth the obstacles unique to the person struggling. It can help us shape the conversation in terms that address the root cause of resistance, rather than jumping into all the reasons the change is beneficial. It provides leaders with clarity about their teams’ challenges so they can meet them where they are to guide them through what is new and different. Curiosity in this context – especially when blended with validation and empathy – demonstrates respect for a team member’s journey.

One can simultaneously hold space for what is difficult while co-creating a path that moves someone beyond resistance. In other words, remaining curious optimizes the capacity to better navigate change. 

Fostering a Spirit of Collaboration

A conversation that embodies curiosity can illuminate potential roadblocks and begin a new kind of dialogue – one that invites real collaboration. When you enter the exchange with an openness, with mutual respect, and with the extension of trust, you shift the dynamics. In this collaborative, generative approach, you are building buy-in and capacity.

Curiosity vs. The Imposter Syndrome

The phenomenon of experiencing feeling like an imposter strikes nearly everyone. We can get triggered by not having advanced education or certifications, being new to leadership, or lacking confidence in a particular situation or skill set. You might think “Who am I to be doing x, y, z?!” (and rarely said in a curious sort of way – more likely a critical, fear-based question one’s value and worth).

If, however, we choose to be curious about the emotions that flared, we can move through them with self-compassion rather than defensiveness, rejection, fear, or shame. Feeling self-conscious about a skill level is normal. Staying in a place of hurt or insecurity can be diminishing and we can get stuck, often cloaked in our protective armor.

For example, if you feel vulnerable about a skill set, you can conduct an honest evaluation of where you are strong and where you would like to grow. That evaluation can include obtaining feedback from others. Then, you can create a game plan to elevate your skills and confidence in that area of your craft.

When you are on the edge of your comfort zone, what is the conversation in your head? If you default to being self-critical, you’ve forgotten to stay curious!

When you know your value, you know – and can tap into - your power. This kind of self-trust comes from healthy curiosity-inspired introspection.

Elevating Others

Similar to helping a team member through a change initiative, curiosity from a manager can expedite an employee’s learning. I have coached many managers who find themselves frustrated at their employees’ pace of grasping – and being effective – in their roles. Most managers default to “show and tell”. Telling the employees what they need to do or know, maybe even offering valuable context of what and why. Yet, few seize the moment to ask the kind of questions that illuminate what an employee is truly understanding and what is still unclear, and what the employee is ultimately motivated by.

The art of asking good questions

A natural part of being curious is asking open-ended questions and listening with an open mind.

• What was it about the old way that you liked?

• How do you think we should roll this out?

• What do you think are the risks?

• What would make this initiative successful?

• What are you excited about achieving this quarter?

I have long been a proponent of embracing the spirit of curiosity. It opens the doors of discovery – for innovation, learning, and growth. It fuels problem-solving by expanding one’s current thinking, making room for greater creativity and fueling imagination. I’ve even used the word to describe my own communication style. (In fact, when I am climbing and I come upon a particularly challenging sequence of moves, I find myself saying, “That’s interesting”. It keeps me curious rather than stressed and fearful!). By championing curiosity, the ego is diminished to make space for the fun of exploration. 

Embracing this kind of growth mindset can allow us to release the stressors of the need to be right in the moment, to be ridged in our thinking, and to let go of our need to control.

Albert Einstein famously stated, “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” He is also credited with saying, “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.”  Curiosity is a driving force for deepening our understanding and for reframing – and reducing - our stress.

How will you cultivate curiosity?

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* Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are natural stress responses that occur when we perceive a threat. They help us react to danger: fighting involves confronting the threat, fleeing means escaping, freezing is becoming immobile, and fawning is trying to please others to avoid conflict. [WebMD]

When tensions rise ...

Perhaps the most common desired outcome I hear from coaching clients is to learn how to better navigate difficult conversations.

It is understandable. Conflict can feel incredibly uncomfortable, destabilizing, and even threatening. Our emotions get triggered, our words mangled, and our demeanor disheveled. We don’t feel in control in an atmosphere that is charged. That can lead to feeling exposed in a way that we feel a need to protect ourselves.

Self-protection shows up in a lot of ways. The most common armors we adorn are defensiveness and righteousness, which can lead to lashing out, avoidance and/or stubbornness. And while they may feel justified, they do little to advance the issues, solicit growth, or foster a healthy workplace culture.

When we feel tensions rise it is our emotional intelligence awakening the need to tend to issues that matter to us. The sooner we do so, the more likely we can successfully cut through the intensity and unpack what is really transpiring underneath. The longer we wait, the more likely those tensions are to simmer until they boil over into resentment, building our case against others, anchoring our assumptions as truth, and our hurt as proof of being wronged. 

In Brene Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead”, she introduces us to her concept of, “Let’s rumble”, as a way to show up differently in these spaces. “A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to break and circle back, when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts…”. Now, that’s a lot to bring when we are having strong negative feelings, but it is an excellent framework to practice!

Recently I was coaching an emerging leader who was left with a lingering sour taste after how feedback was delivered from his manager. It was confusing as he is regularly being praised for his performance, but a recent conversation left him feeling off. As we unpacked the situation, we zeroed in on what was troubling him and why, and he felt confident to speak to his manager in a way that would clear the air and recalibrate the relationship.

The beauty of it: he didn’t wait, didn’t stew on it, didn’t extrapolate a fabricated story about his manager from the experience, rather he owned and acted on the emotional cues to get to the heart of the matter. He can do this in large part because there is a strong foundation of earned mutual trust in their relationship. That guy is going to be a remarkable leader!

A deepening of the relationship

People are often surprised when I tell them that my original conflict style was “avoid and placate”. If you would have told young Karen that one day I would lean into the discomfort to embrace a more honest conversation; that one day I would be teaching others the art of navigating those tough conversations with their messy emotions, I would have surely scoffed!

My motivation for addressing sticky issues isn’t because I enjoy a good “rumble” as Brene Brown would call it. I find the courage to have a real conversation because I understand that on the other side of that discomfort is the potential for a more meaningful relationship. It has been increasingly difficult for me to sit with something that is left unsaid, for I understand it is an obstacle to the very thing I want: connection.

The conflict is the way through

I had another client experience where both parties were feeling the growing tensions of their fractured relationship. In preparation for a facilitated dialogue, I interviewed them both independently. What we discovered was fascinating – they were experiencing the same frustrations! Neither felt respected by the other, nor did they feel heard.

Listening is often the first thing to evaporate when conflict is brewing. And yet, as Brown’s research shows, “the antidote to armoring up is staying curious”. If we can, “listen with same passion with which we want to be heard,” as psychologist Harriet Lerner invites us to do, we are better able to “show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos (or our fears)” [Brene Brown].

Burying discomfort doesn’t make it go away. It’s always lurking just below the surface, ready to trip us up. Unresolved issues are an improperly cared for wound that tend to fester and negatively impact health. Left unattended, the fracture spills into team dynamics and organizational culture, with significant costs.

How you manage tension shapes the norms of your workplace. Do you surface issues promptly and respectfully, or lean on passive aggressive techniques that erode trust and respect and add drama, inefficiencies, and ineffectiveness?

Feeling tension?

• Acknowledge it, without judgment or justification.

• Examine your emotions. Sit with them to understand them. Resist the urge to make someone else responsible for them.

• Examine your motivations. Is it to be right, or to grow? To resolve an impasse? Advance a cause? To feel less stressed? Or to create a harmonious and respectful work environment?

• Initiate a “rumble” conversation.   Turn down the noise and seek common ground

• Hunt for insights – for yourself and in understanding others.  You don’t have to agree to validate someone’s experience.

Creating a culture of belonging

Addressing the tension we feel not only builds resiliency and relationships, it sends a message that we value diverse opinions, styles, approaches, and perspectives. Inviting real conversations with the intent of truly understanding provides a forum for creating alignment, making new agreements, and creating space for a fuller experience and an expression of potential.

Slow down, set aside your armor, and find the courage to find another way through.

Mastering Chaos: Building Agency Through Emotional Resiliency

Have you ever experienced intense emotions at work that interfere with your capacity to focus; that create distance between you and a colleague; or generally limit your ability to do your best? Anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety, and embarrassment are just a few examples of tough emotions that challenge our potential to do great work.

Common reactions to tough emotions are to ignore, bury, pretend they don’t matter, avoid the situation or person, let it go (but not really), ruminate, make others wrong, build one’s case (and resentment), and speak poorly of others. Spoiler alert: these tactics backfire. The intense feelings get internalized and amplified, resulting in the burden of carrying an even bigger emotional load.

Emotional intelligence, the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effect on others, can make or break your job satisfaction, the possibility for meaningful, healthy relationships, and even your organization’s culture.

The beauty of delving into the complexity of emotions is that it can unearth incredible, epiphany-inducing insights. The mere act of sitting with and reflecting on the precise emotion you are experiencing can bring a deep awareness of what matters to you. By making the unconscious, conscious, we can navigate the difficult emotion with more clarity and intentionality.

Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, invites us to “go beyond the umbrella term to identify exactly what we are feeling.” For example, if we are feeling “hurt”, go deeper to understand why. Do you feel betrayed? Victimized? Jealous? Unappreciated? By understanding the emotion more accurately, we can begin to address it more effectively.

 Common Workplace Flare Ups

The workplace is a petri dish of emotional energy. People get triggered. Triggers are specific stimuli that lead to an intense emotional or psychological response. (Note: for those who have experienced trauma, the intensity will be more severe). There are several predictable ways in which an uncomfortable emotion becomes embedded in drama and dysfunction. Here are three common areas:

1.     Taking things personally,

2.     Making assumptions, and

3.     Making comparisons that results in questioning one’s value.

When negative emotions are stirred up, we often take things personally and get defensive. We attribute bad intent to the people connected to the experience. In the assumption of bad intent, we fabricate a story that feels like the truth. Misinterpretations lead to elevated tensions and decreased trust.

What might have been a simple communication breakdown, now is an unshakeable belief system – one that we defend wholeheartedly. We feel justified in our anger, we feel righteous in our position, and we stubbornly adhere to our opinions. We adorn our armor to protect where we feel most vulnerable.

 Example: “She made me anxious when she asked me that question in front of everyone. That was unfair of her to put me on the spot like that. She’s trying to discredit me. The other director isn’t meeting his goals either.”

What if, in the example above, the person that asked the question respects your opinion and believes you have something to offer to the discussion. Maybe they want to give you an opportunity to shine so you may be recognized for your thought leadership. The point being the only observable fact was the person was asked a question in a group environment. The rest is chaos conjured up.

Comparing ourselves to others. Brene Brown speaks of it as “trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out”. Her research indicates that comparisons are associated with fear, anger, shame, and sadness. In the workplace, at best it could fuel healthy competitiveness, but it often causes silos, power struggles, knowledge hoarding, and gossiping.

 Own Your Emotions.

When we speak of someone making us feel a certain way, we are giving our power away. Instead, the invitation is to own the emotion you are experiencing, understand what triggered it, interrogate the story you are telling yourself about it, and notice what is “underneath” all the noise. In the example above, you might acknowledge that you abhor public speaking, or perhaps you feel self-conscious about taking the spotlight because you value team recognition over individualism; or you prefer time to process before speaking, or maybe you feel insecure about your knowledge on the topic and fear making a mistake. The point is to be rigorously honest with yourself about what is transpiring for you.

Know our value, know our power. Emotional intelligence also means we have an honest assessment of our strengths and weaknesses. When we know where and how we excel, we can contribute in ways that empower us and shine the light for others.

Self-Advocacy.

We need to be our own advocates. That might include speaking up for yourself – articulating your wants, needs, or preferences. It might mean saying no and having clear boundaries. Self-advocacy can also be an invitation to actively pursue what you want to experience. It is an expression of agency.

Agency is the sense of control you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, the capacity to exercise autonomy in decision-making and in actions. It means you have a choice in how you respond to the emotions that trigger you. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

The next time you feel a challenging emotion at work, lean in and be curious. How do you want to show up? The choice is yours.

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