Friction in the Workplace: Friend or Foe?

Friction … most of us would prefer to live without it.

Having recently battled bouncing emails where, unbeknownst to me, clients and colleagues were receiving an “address not found” message, I can attest that the attempt to fix the problem was fraught with friction. Dead-end research, yet another authentication process, an expired code, a too-friendly, inauthentic AI chatbot … each only heightened my angst.

That kind of friction adds no value to our day, other than perhaps my deep appreciation for the IT heroes who ultimately helped bring my email back to life. That kind of friction is disruptive, stressful and reduces our capacity to perform.

Friction in the workplace can show up as tension and discomfort: leaders out of alignment, teams embroiled in conflict, or something as simple as feeling frustrated. Left unattended, friction can create cliques and silos, stall projects, and diminish relationships. When this kind of friction takes hold in an organization, cultures can become high-drama and low-efficacy. It can leave your people exhausted.

And yet … not all friction is created equally. In fact, some friction is beneficial.

Imagine friction as the creative tension among diverse and passionate team members dedicated to delivering on your organization’s mission. The bubbling up of differences – ideas, approaches, beliefs and opinions – adds depth and dimension to problem-solving, opening doors for innovative thinking and building mutual respect.

If you have a healthy forum, one that fosters psychological safety, friction can be recognized and addressed for what it is. It sets the stage for what I call “co-creating”: an opportunity for all voices to be heard and for varying perspectives to weigh in from their unique vantage point.

In this kind of space, friction is afforded the room to turn up the heat on a more robust dialogue – and ultimately, a more optimal and well-vetted solution. The level of buy-in is elevated, and the identification and mitigation of risks are more likely to be examined honestly.

Imagine you need to make a decision that you know is going to ignite controversy. There’s palpable tension around the issue. You might avoid it, have side conversations to build your case, or consciously or subconsciously make those who disagree with you wrong. These strategies tend to create more office politics and lower trust.

Now imagine sharing the decision you are facing with your leadership team. You acknowledge the discomfort in the room. You lay out your case and explain why you think the way you do, perhaps in the context of your organization’s mission and values. You then facilitate an honest conversation, inviting your team to challenge your thinking and assumptions, explore viable alternatives, and examine the potential impacts on the team, culture, clients and bottom line.

This kind of structured dialogue makes it more likely that you will make an informed, collaborative decision that produces more aligned action.

A little healthy friction can unveil what really matters: your values, commitments, and priorities.

Consider a seemingly simple situation: someone invites you to an event that matters deeply to them, but you don’t want to go. You care about the person, and you don’t want to disappoint them. So you start searching for a reason that will make your “no” easier for them to hear.

Maybe you say you already have plans. Maybe you blame your workload. Maybe you offer a convenient little white lie.

The interesting part isn’t the decision itself. It’s what happens inside you as you construct the answer. When the explanation you’re giving isn’t actually true, something in you knows it. You’re working to make your words acceptable while knowing they aren’t quite aligned with how you want to show up.

We experience this same kind of internal friction at work.

It can happen when we make a decision that conflicts with a value we hold. When we stay silent because speaking up feels uncomfortable. When we say we’re committed to collaboration but choose to make the decision ourselves. When we tell our team that candor matters, then avoid giving the feedback someone genuinely needs. When we prioritize quality but let an important standard slide because we’re under pressure to get something out the door.

That friction is worth paying attention to. It can be a pathway to awareness and growth.

It may be telling us that something important is out of alignment. Not necessarily that we’ve made the wrong decision, but that we’ve crossed paths with a value, commitment or priority that deserves our attention.

In that sense, friction isn’t always something to eliminate. Sometimes it’s information.

The invitation is to notice what triggers your experience of friction and the ways in which you tend to respond. Pay attention to experiences of overthinking and overanalyzing, avoiding or feeling overwhelmed. These may be indicators that something important is asking for your attention.

Friction is usually associated with some level of frustration. And behind frustration is often a hope, desire, want, need or expectation for a certain experience or outcome.

Examining our frustrations with curiosity and kindness can help us make sense of what the emotion is telling us. What’s underneath your frustration? What matters to you here? What expectation, need or value is being challenged?

This line of inquiry can help you name the source of the friction, which in turn can help you address the root cause.

Sometimes the most useful question isn’t, “How do I get rid of this uncomfortable feeling?” but “What is this friction trying to tell me about how I want to lead?”

A frictionless workplace is not only unachievable, it’s not ideal. It’s bland. It can signal an avoidance of real conversations and bigger opportunities. When people start going through the motions, stagnation and apathy can take hold.

I’m not suggesting you want a workplace full of friction.

Instead, normalize friction as an indicator that something matters and deserves to be addressed.

Invite the real conversations that turn friction into robust collaboration.

Move friction from foe to friend.

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Could this be the ultimate stress buster?

There are a lot of proposed remedies for managing life’s stressors. You may have tried some of them – with varying degrees of success. Even if you have a high stress tolerance, most leaders have reported feeling an inordinate amount of stress in today’s business climate. I would like to propose something that de-escalates the natural stress responses of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn*: bringing a sense of curiosity.

Sound too simple? Let me share how I’ve seen it work.

Navigating Change

Yesterday during a client workshop on accountability, one participant spoke of her team’s resistance to change and wanted to know how to cultivate buy-in for the new expectations. Instead of starting with selling all the benefits of the upcoming change, we slowed the conversation down and examined what might be her team’s discomfort and fears related to the change. 

Curiosity can unearth the obstacles unique to the person struggling. It can help us shape the conversation in terms that address the root cause of resistance, rather than jumping into all the reasons the change is beneficial. It provides leaders with clarity about their teams’ challenges so they can meet them where they are to guide them through what is new and different. Curiosity in this context – especially when blended with validation and empathy – demonstrates respect for a team member’s journey.

One can simultaneously hold space for what is difficult while co-creating a path that moves someone beyond resistance. In other words, remaining curious optimizes the capacity to better navigate change. 

Fostering a Spirit of Collaboration

A conversation that embodies curiosity can illuminate potential roadblocks and begin a new kind of dialogue – one that invites real collaboration. When you enter the exchange with an openness, with mutual respect, and with the extension of trust, you shift the dynamics. In this collaborative, generative approach, you are building buy-in and capacity.

Curiosity vs. The Imposter Syndrome

The phenomenon of experiencing feeling like an imposter strikes nearly everyone. We can get triggered by not having advanced education or certifications, being new to leadership, or lacking confidence in a particular situation or skill set. You might think “Who am I to be doing x, y, z?!” (and rarely said in a curious sort of way – more likely a critical, fear-based question one’s value and worth).

If, however, we choose to be curious about the emotions that flared, we can move through them with self-compassion rather than defensiveness, rejection, fear, or shame. Feeling self-conscious about a skill level is normal. Staying in a place of hurt or insecurity can be diminishing and we can get stuck, often cloaked in our protective armor.

For example, if you feel vulnerable about a skill set, you can conduct an honest evaluation of where you are strong and where you would like to grow. That evaluation can include obtaining feedback from others. Then, you can create a game plan to elevate your skills and confidence in that area of your craft.

When you are on the edge of your comfort zone, what is the conversation in your head? If you default to being self-critical, you’ve forgotten to stay curious!

When you know your value, you know – and can tap into - your power. This kind of self-trust comes from healthy curiosity-inspired introspection.

Elevating Others

Similar to helping a team member through a change initiative, curiosity from a manager can expedite an employee’s learning. I have coached many managers who find themselves frustrated at their employees’ pace of grasping – and being effective – in their roles. Most managers default to “show and tell”. Telling the employees what they need to do or know, maybe even offering valuable context of what and why. Yet, few seize the moment to ask the kind of questions that illuminate what an employee is truly understanding and what is still unclear, and what the employee is ultimately motivated by.

The art of asking good questions

A natural part of being curious is asking open-ended questions and listening with an open mind.

• What was it about the old way that you liked?

• How do you think we should roll this out?

• What do you think are the risks?

• What would make this initiative successful?

• What are you excited about achieving this quarter?

I have long been a proponent of embracing the spirit of curiosity. It opens the doors of discovery – for innovation, learning, and growth. It fuels problem-solving by expanding one’s current thinking, making room for greater creativity and fueling imagination. I’ve even used the word to describe my own communication style. (In fact, when I am climbing and I come upon a particularly challenging sequence of moves, I find myself saying, “That’s interesting”. It keeps me curious rather than stressed and fearful!). By championing curiosity, the ego is diminished to make space for the fun of exploration. 

Embracing this kind of growth mindset can allow us to release the stressors of the need to be right in the moment, to be ridged in our thinking, and to let go of our need to control.

Albert Einstein famously stated, “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” He is also credited with saying, “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.”  Curiosity is a driving force for deepening our understanding and for reframing – and reducing - our stress.

How will you cultivate curiosity?

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* Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are natural stress responses that occur when we perceive a threat. They help us react to danger: fighting involves confronting the threat, fleeing means escaping, freezing is becoming immobile, and fawning is trying to please others to avoid conflict. [WebMD]