Friction in the Workplace: Friend or Foe?

Friction … most of us would prefer to live without it.

Having recently battled bouncing emails where, unbeknownst to me, clients and colleagues were receiving an “address not found” message, I can attest that the attempt to fix the problem was fraught with friction. Dead-end research, yet another authentication process, an expired code, a too-friendly, inauthentic AI chatbot … each only heightened my angst.

That kind of friction adds no value to our day, other than perhaps my deep appreciation for the IT heroes who ultimately helped bring my email back to life. That kind of friction is disruptive, stressful and reduces our capacity to perform.

Friction in the workplace can show up as tension and discomfort: leaders out of alignment, teams embroiled in conflict, or something as simple as feeling frustrated. Left unattended, friction can create cliques and silos, stall projects, and diminish relationships. When this kind of friction takes hold in an organization, cultures can become high-drama and low-efficacy. It can leave your people exhausted.

And yet … not all friction is created equally. In fact, some friction is beneficial.

Imagine friction as the creative tension among diverse and passionate team members dedicated to delivering on your organization’s mission. The bubbling up of differences – ideas, approaches, beliefs and opinions – adds depth and dimension to problem-solving, opening doors for innovative thinking and building mutual respect.

If you have a healthy forum, one that fosters psychological safety, friction can be recognized and addressed for what it is. It sets the stage for what I call “co-creating”: an opportunity for all voices to be heard and for varying perspectives to weigh in from their unique vantage point.

In this kind of space, friction is afforded the room to turn up the heat on a more robust dialogue – and ultimately, a more optimal and well-vetted solution. The level of buy-in is elevated, and the identification and mitigation of risks are more likely to be examined honestly.

Imagine you need to make a decision that you know is going to ignite controversy. There’s palpable tension around the issue. You might avoid it, have side conversations to build your case, or consciously or subconsciously make those who disagree with you wrong. These strategies tend to create more office politics and lower trust.

Now imagine sharing the decision you are facing with your leadership team. You acknowledge the discomfort in the room. You lay out your case and explain why you think the way you do, perhaps in the context of your organization’s mission and values. You then facilitate an honest conversation, inviting your team to challenge your thinking and assumptions, explore viable alternatives, and examine the potential impacts on the team, culture, clients and bottom line.

This kind of structured dialogue makes it more likely that you will make an informed, collaborative decision that produces more aligned action.

A little healthy friction can unveil what really matters: your values, commitments, and priorities.

Consider a seemingly simple situation: someone invites you to an event that matters deeply to them, but you don’t want to go. You care about the person, and you don’t want to disappoint them. So you start searching for a reason that will make your “no” easier for them to hear.

Maybe you say you already have plans. Maybe you blame your workload. Maybe you offer a convenient little white lie.

The interesting part isn’t the decision itself. It’s what happens inside you as you construct the answer. When the explanation you’re giving isn’t actually true, something in you knows it. You’re working to make your words acceptable while knowing they aren’t quite aligned with how you want to show up.

We experience this same kind of internal friction at work.

It can happen when we make a decision that conflicts with a value we hold. When we stay silent because speaking up feels uncomfortable. When we say we’re committed to collaboration but choose to make the decision ourselves. When we tell our team that candor matters, then avoid giving the feedback someone genuinely needs. When we prioritize quality but let an important standard slide because we’re under pressure to get something out the door.

That friction is worth paying attention to. It can be a pathway to awareness and growth.

It may be telling us that something important is out of alignment. Not necessarily that we’ve made the wrong decision, but that we’ve crossed paths with a value, commitment or priority that deserves our attention.

In that sense, friction isn’t always something to eliminate. Sometimes it’s information.

The invitation is to notice what triggers your experience of friction and the ways in which you tend to respond. Pay attention to experiences of overthinking and overanalyzing, avoiding or feeling overwhelmed. These may be indicators that something important is asking for your attention.

Friction is usually associated with some level of frustration. And behind frustration is often a hope, desire, want, need or expectation for a certain experience or outcome.

Examining our frustrations with curiosity and kindness can help us make sense of what the emotion is telling us. What’s underneath your frustration? What matters to you here? What expectation, need or value is being challenged?

This line of inquiry can help you name the source of the friction, which in turn can help you address the root cause.

Sometimes the most useful question isn’t, “How do I get rid of this uncomfortable feeling?” but “What is this friction trying to tell me about how I want to lead?”

A frictionless workplace is not only unachievable, it’s not ideal. It’s bland. It can signal an avoidance of real conversations and bigger opportunities. When people start going through the motions, stagnation and apathy can take hold.

I’m not suggesting you want a workplace full of friction.

Instead, normalize friction as an indicator that something matters and deserves to be addressed.

Invite the real conversations that turn friction into robust collaboration.

Move friction from foe to friend.

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Validate to Illuminate

Our work is more enjoyable when the relationships with our colleagues are healthy. With higher levels of respect and trust, we experience more robust collaborations, more creative problem solving, and more nimble decision-making. We also experience more camaraderie, satisfaction, and, of course, better results.

When our relationships are strained our efforts are hampered. Miscommunication, decreased accountability, increased politics, silos, and one-upmanship begin to shape the cultural norms, seeping into the work experience and diminishing team capacity and leadership credibility.

At the crux of good business is good relationships. Nurturing relationships in an honest and caring way builds a kind of resiliency that will weather the inevitable storms brought on by differing perspectives, organizational growth, and persistent change.

How do we become better at relationships?

It is not a technical skill. It’s not a checklist or a mastered technique (although knowledge, skills, and tools can be helpful). It is a human, social competency. It is a chosen temperament to invest in getting to know a person and allowing others to truly get to know you.

Have you ever had someone really understand your perspective? Get where you were coming from? Share a connected kindred spirit vibe? It is a satisfying experience to be seen and heard. It is the cornerstone of connection.

New York Times columnist, David Brooks guides us in the “skilled art of seeing others and making them feel seen, known, and understood,” in his new book, “How to Know a Person”.

He explains that building a relationship involves “being curious about other people; disagreeing without poisoning relationships; revealing vulnerability at an appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; and knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.”

Do you illuminate or diminish?

How we show up matters. We all leave an “emotional wake” in our exchange with others. Do people feel inspired by your presence or stifled? Hungry to grow or hesitant to contribute?

Brooks speaks of “illuminators” and “diminishers”, defined as:

• Illuminators are genuinely curious about others – their stories, experiences, perspectives, and beliefs. They shine a bright light of caring and warmth that make people “feel bigger, deeper, respected, and lit up,” says Brooks.

• Diminishers are so focused on themselves that others feel insignificant in their presence. They see people as tools; tending to stereotype and label; determining the totality of who a person is by one trait they witnessed. 

Validate to Illuminate

In addition to giving your full attention, asking good questions, deeply listening, and generally being a good conversationalist, if you want to level up your relationships, you can learn the empathetic art of validating.

Validating is recognizing and affirming a person and their feelings and opinions as valid or worthy. Invalidating is when we deny, reject, or dismiss someone’s feelings, thereby sending the message that their subjective emotional experience is somehow inaccurate, insignificant or unacceptable.

 Validating is NOT agreeing with someone. It is not placating, coddling, or manipulating. It is slowing down the conversation enough to hold space for another’s reality, without judgment.

 Failure to Validate

Have you ever been in a conversation that escalates into friction and frustration? Often in those moments we may feel like the other person is not hearing us, and likely that feeling is mutual. When we fail to validate another’s experience, we miss the opportunity to connect and learn. We also risk missing the magical moment that could have created a breakthrough.

When difficult feelings are expressed, acknowledged, and validated by a trusted listener, those feelings will diminish. If they are ignored, the pain – and sense of separation and isolation - will gain strength.

Common missteps:

• We try to make someone feel better. When we hear someone struggling, we attempt to be their cheerleader to help them gain perspective or see a silver lining. While that can be beneficial at the right time, if we have failed to validate, it tends to shut people down as they feel dismissed. Examples: “well, it could have been worse”, or “at least it is not x”, or “look on the bright side…”.

• We try to fix it by giving unsolicited advice. “You should x”, or “Have you thought about doing x”.

• We make it about us. To be relatable, we may slip into our own story, e.g. “I have had that happen to me. Let me tell you about the time when…”.

In the moments where we are not feeling validated, it can be difficult to extend it to others. Withholding validation until the other acknowledges us sets the dynamic up for misalignment and if repeated regularly, a broken relationship.

How can you validate?

It doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated. It can be simply acknowledging another’s emotional state. “That sounds challenging”, or “That must be frustrating”, are often good starters. If you are not able to read their emotional state, you can ask, “How are you feeling about x?”. Connecting with empathy and compassion creates a new energy in the conversation. After you have validated, you might ask how you can further assist. Do they want a possibility thinking partner? An accountability partner? Or, is being a nonjudgmental sounding board sufficient?

Relationship building can be vulnerable and unpredictable. But, if you want to elevate a relationship and invest in a healthy work environment, consider practicing the art of validation. It is an act of honoring another person’s experience, feelings, or point of view – while creating space for deeper understanding and alignment.