Have We Lost the Art of Deeply Listening?

“We no longer invest time and energy in the very fiber that connects us: listening,” says journalist and Deep Listening author Emily Kasriel.

Instead, we engage in autopilot listening that is transactional at best and, at worst, undermines our ability to work well together in meaningful and enriching ways. And yet, effective collaboration requires both the desire and the ability to listen skillfully!

With the speed at which we move and the volume of demands on our radar, skilled listening gets sidelined. We skim, scroll, multitask, and cut to the chase. Rare are the moments when we give our full presence to the person with whom we are in conversation.

When conversations remain at the surface level, we miss opportunities to deepen our connections and our sense of belonging at work. When we don't feel seen or heard (or fail to see and hear our colleagues), cultures suffer. Silos form, gossip takes root, communication breaks down, and people feel isolated, disrespected, or unappreciated.

Surface conversations lack nourishment. When relationships lack depth, we tend to be less generous in extending trust, sharing information, or giving someone the benefit of the doubt. We're quicker to find fault and slower to put our armor down and let someone see who we really are. In doing so, we miss out on developing the very relationships that sustain our resilience.

Surface conversations also rob good ideas of the room to breathe. Through robust dialogue, ideas can expand into innovative solutions and shared enthusiasm. Without it, we risk reacting to whatever is in front of us rather than uncovering and resolving issues at their root.

But listening takes so much time and energy!

Giving someone our full attention might feel like a luxury in today's attention-deficient world. Slowing down to be present can feel like a Herculean effort when you have dozens of demands competing for your time.

It's especially hard to listen when you:

• Disagree.

• Feel defensive or take things personally.

• Are impatient.

• Don't respect the source.

• Feel apathetic about the content.

• Have a different communication style from the speaker.

I get it. But engaging with someone intentionally and mindfully can empower them to execute confidently and competently in their role. It can make the difference between clarity and confusion, alignment and disconnect, engagement and simply going through the motions.

And a few minutes of intentional listening now may save hours of confusion, rework and headaches later.

How can we elevate our listening?

Listening is perhaps the most underappreciated and underdeveloped communication skill. It is both a mindset and a behavior. When we approach a conversation with care and curiosity, we invite genuine engagement.

Listen to understand, not to defend. Not to find fault. Not to fight. (Although, please, do engage in hearty, respectful dialogue!)

First, listen. Pay attention to the words, the tone, the energy, and the body language. Slow your pace. Bring your full presence to the conversation. Listen for what the person cares about and what's underneath what's being shared. Dig a little deeper with open-ended questions to understand both the message and the person.

People are unlikely to share what's most important without a safe, receptive audience. Small talk might seem insignificant or like a waste of time, until your presence invites someone to say more.

Building rapport creates space for asking for help, illuminating risks, sharing concerns, or admitting a struggle or mistake. When you listen deeply, you'll likely discover what keeps someone up at night and what motivates them to do their best.

With that understanding, you can help remove obstacles, offer assignments that inspire growth, and get ahead of issues rather than constantly firefighting.

How do you know if you've listened well?

People may share more than they expected. You may walk away with a better understanding of who they are and what matters to them. But you don't have to leave it to chance.

As you close a conversation, check for understanding. Play back what you heard. Ask follow-up questions. Resist the urge to jump straight into problem-solving. Stay in discovery mode long enough to make sure you've understood the situation before deciding what to do about it.

The conversation we avoid

Time constraints aren't the only reason we don't make space for deep listening. Sometimes, we're uncomfortable with a conversation we can't control. When we choose to listen, we also choose to let the conversation unfold into uncharted territory.

And when that territory holds the potential for friction, it can feel easier to stay on the surface or avoid the conversation altogether.

But avoiding disagreement can leave relationships superficial and create a petri dish for resentment. Healthy conflict invites us to be honest with one another, understand and address what matters, and strengthen relationships.

Deep listening doesn't mean agreeing, fixing, or having all the answers. It means being willing to understand before deciding what comes next.

In a workplace where people feel heard, they're more likely to raise concerns, share ideas, challenge assumptions, and work through difficult issues together. That's not just good communication. It's the foundation of a resilient organization.

///

Friction in the Workplace: Friend or Foe?

Friction … most of us would prefer to live without it.

Having recently battled bouncing emails where, unbeknownst to me, clients and colleagues were receiving an “address not found” message, I can attest that the attempt to fix the problem was fraught with friction. Dead-end research, yet another authentication process, an expired code, a too-friendly, inauthentic AI chatbot … each only heightened my angst.

That kind of friction adds no value to our day, other than perhaps my deep appreciation for the IT heroes who ultimately helped bring my email back to life. That kind of friction is disruptive, stressful and reduces our capacity to perform.

Friction in the workplace can show up as tension and discomfort: leaders out of alignment, teams embroiled in conflict, or something as simple as feeling frustrated. Left unattended, friction can create cliques and silos, stall projects, and diminish relationships. When this kind of friction takes hold in an organization, cultures can become high-drama and low-efficacy. It can leave your people exhausted.

And yet … not all friction is created equally. In fact, some friction is beneficial.

Imagine friction as the creative tension among diverse and passionate team members dedicated to delivering on your organization’s mission. The bubbling up of differences – ideas, approaches, beliefs and opinions – adds depth and dimension to problem-solving, opening doors for innovative thinking and building mutual respect.

If you have a healthy forum, one that fosters psychological safety, friction can be recognized and addressed for what it is. It sets the stage for what I call “co-creating”: an opportunity for all voices to be heard and for varying perspectives to weigh in from their unique vantage point.

In this kind of space, friction is afforded the room to turn up the heat on a more robust dialogue – and ultimately, a more optimal and well-vetted solution. The level of buy-in is elevated, and the identification and mitigation of risks are more likely to be examined honestly.

Imagine you need to make a decision that you know is going to ignite controversy. There’s palpable tension around the issue. You might avoid it, have side conversations to build your case, or consciously or subconsciously make those who disagree with you wrong. These strategies tend to create more office politics and lower trust.

Now imagine sharing the decision you are facing with your leadership team. You acknowledge the discomfort in the room. You lay out your case and explain why you think the way you do, perhaps in the context of your organization’s mission and values. You then facilitate an honest conversation, inviting your team to challenge your thinking and assumptions, explore viable alternatives, and examine the potential impacts on the team, culture, clients and bottom line.

This kind of structured dialogue makes it more likely that you will make an informed, collaborative decision that produces more aligned action.

A little healthy friction can unveil what really matters: your values, commitments, and priorities.

Consider a seemingly simple situation: someone invites you to an event that matters deeply to them, but you don’t want to go. You care about the person, and you don’t want to disappoint them. So you start searching for a reason that will make your “no” easier for them to hear.

Maybe you say you already have plans. Maybe you blame your workload. Maybe you offer a convenient little white lie.

The interesting part isn’t the decision itself. It’s what happens inside you as you construct the answer. When the explanation you’re giving isn’t actually true, something in you knows it. You’re working to make your words acceptable while knowing they aren’t quite aligned with how you want to show up.

We experience this same kind of internal friction at work.

It can happen when we make a decision that conflicts with a value we hold. When we stay silent because speaking up feels uncomfortable. When we say we’re committed to collaboration but choose to make the decision ourselves. When we tell our team that candor matters, then avoid giving the feedback someone genuinely needs. When we prioritize quality but let an important standard slide because we’re under pressure to get something out the door.

That friction is worth paying attention to. It can be a pathway to awareness and growth.

It may be telling us that something important is out of alignment. Not necessarily that we’ve made the wrong decision, but that we’ve crossed paths with a value, commitment or priority that deserves our attention.

In that sense, friction isn’t always something to eliminate. Sometimes it’s information.

The invitation is to notice what triggers your experience of friction and the ways in which you tend to respond. Pay attention to experiences of overthinking and overanalyzing, avoiding or feeling overwhelmed. These may be indicators that something important is asking for your attention.

Friction is usually associated with some level of frustration. And behind frustration is often a hope, desire, want, need or expectation for a certain experience or outcome.

Examining our frustrations with curiosity and kindness can help us make sense of what the emotion is telling us. What’s underneath your frustration? What matters to you here? What expectation, need or value is being challenged?

This line of inquiry can help you name the source of the friction, which in turn can help you address the root cause.

Sometimes the most useful question isn’t, “How do I get rid of this uncomfortable feeling?” but “What is this friction trying to tell me about how I want to lead?”

A frictionless workplace is not only unachievable, it’s not ideal. It’s bland. It can signal an avoidance of real conversations and bigger opportunities. When people start going through the motions, stagnation and apathy can take hold.

I’m not suggesting you want a workplace full of friction.

Instead, normalize friction as an indicator that something matters and deserves to be addressed.

Invite the real conversations that turn friction into robust collaboration.

Move friction from foe to friend.

///

What do you expect?

Such a seemingly simple question. Yet one I see get muddied, over and over again. Expectations are ubiquitous, but it does not guarantee they are understood.

There is a trend I have been witnessing in workplaces – people are hungry for clearer expectations. I have some theories as to why that is. During times of growth and change, things can feel uncertain. In the face of uncertainty, we seek clarity and control. People want to better understand direction, priorities, and desired outcomes – especially when those things keep shifting!

Sometimes what I observe is that expectations only get clearly expressed when there has been a violation of those expectations. In other words, it becomes more apparent what we want, when we are not seeing the results we had hoped for, or when our frustrations are on the rise. We may not enjoy the experience, but our frustrations are phenomenal data points. They tell us what matters to us, and they illuminate the gap between what we want to happen and what is actually happening. Frustrations are the yellow (or red) flags that we might have a misunderstanding or misalignment that needs our attention.

Setting clear expectations is not just for when things go off the rails or when people are struggling to deliver. High performing, growth-oriented professionals want to elevate their knowledge and skills, build capacity and confidence in executing their role, and contribute to the organization’s success. When you provide the kind of guidance that helps them be successful, the impact is contagious, and the work gets momentum.

How can you help them get there?

A leader’s role is to help cultivate potential for the success of the individual, the team, and the organization. When you can paint a picture of what success looks like – for them, for the initiative, or for your customer – you help create the road map to achieving it.

The Performance Gap - Can Clearer Expectations Close it?

“Expectations … they can feel so heavy.” A recent leader expressed it felt adversarial to articulate her expectations. She shared that her team is overwhelmed and she was concerned that stating her expectations felt like she was piling on to the stress and demands of the job. But as soon as she said it out loud, she had an epiphany, “People are hungry for them! Expectations actually reduce their stress.”

This reframe gave her the inspiration to bring clarity to her direct reports in their next one-on-one meetings. She understood the, “clarity is kind” mantra. It sets the stage for a much more collaborative discussion about the scope and roles and responsibilities of the work.

The reality is that our expectations exist whether or not we articulate them. It is better to daylight what they are through regular conversations than to leave them to chance, or to only be explicit with them when problems and friction surface.  

Articulating expectations might expose the gap between where someone currently is and where you would like to see them be. That performance gap is the space leaders can coach and mentor a team member’s growth.

How can you elevate your expectation-setting skills?

Getting better at articulating expectations is one of the highest-leverage leadership skills – especially in environments where people are overwhelmed, moving fast, or working cross-functionally. Here are some specific ways you can practice:

Slow down your thinking so others can catch up. Leaders often assume their expectations are clear because they are clear in their own heads! (I’ve been guilty of this). Consider pausing and get clear on:

• What outcome do I actually want?

• Why does it matter?

• What does “good” look like?

• What is “done”?

• What are non-negotiables vs. flexible components?

Provide a simple, repeatable formula:

Expectations = Outcomes + Standards + Timeline + Check-Ins. For example: “By Friday I would like to see a 1–2-page draft of the problem statement, in the context of our business goals, with recommended next steps. We need this before the Executive Committee meeting, so let’s do a quick check-in on Wednesday to make sure you have what you need.”

Make expectations collaborative, not top-down. Even when you know what you want, invite people into the shaping:

• “Here’s what I’m thinking, what might I be missing?”

• “What feels doable?”

• “What are you excited about?

• “What makes you a little nervous or uncomfortable?”

 Open-ended questions like these can surface blind spots, build buy-in, and increase alignment.

Add context to provide meaning. When people know why something matters, the instructions land better. “The reason this needs to be precise is because …”, or “We are prioritizing this because …”, or “This helps us avoid …” is a way to invite team members into being a part of the solution. They can contribute even more collaboratively. Context turns a task into a purpose.

Check for understanding. You can ask grounding questions like: What are the most important pieces you are taking away from our conversation? Where might you need more clarity? What obstacles do you anticipate? You are not quizzing them – you are co-creating clarity. And better to check for understanding in the moment than weeks later when things are going south.

Leadership clarity is not a one and done exercise. You can conduct ongoing “clarity audits” by supporting your team with check-ins. Does everyone know what success is? Are deadlines understood and realistic? Have expectations shifted?

 Role model the behavior you want to see. You have more credibility when you deliver on the expectations of your role. When you communicate clearly, ask good questions, avoid ambiguity, and generally demonstrate personal accountability, you are setting the tone for others to follow. This reflects a kind of integrity that builds mutual trust and respect.

Where can you bring more clarity to your expectations?